How to Prepare Older Sibling for Baby Number 2
How can you help older child adapt to a new baby?
You’re having another baby - congratulations! The first time around, it was all about getting the baby gear, taking the newborn classes (especially classes on newborn sleep!)…and resting as much as possible. When you have a toddler or older child while you’re pregnant, the focus is a little different - making sure you’re ready for the new baby, but also preparing your older child for the arrival of baby #2. This post has conversations to have with your child about being a big sister or brother, ways to prepare your older child for a new baby, and tips for helping to adjust to having two children in the house!
Conversations to have with your child
There are several conversations you’ll have with your child about the arrival of their new baby brother or sister. These are two of the most important ones:
How this will be a positive change for the family
Your child may be excited about the arrival of a new sibling…or be more hesitant once they start thinking about it more.
Remind your child how much fun it will be to hug and kiss their new sibling. And as the baby gets older, they’ll get to teach the baby new things and show the baby all the favorite books and toys in the house - built-in playmate!How things will be different with a new baby
Explain that new babies really just sleep, eat and poop…so the baby isn’t going to be ready to play quite yet. Explain that babies will cry during the day and in the middle of the night because they don’t sleep for long periods of time. Explain that you’re going to be a bit more tired right after the baby is born, but reassure your child that you’ll make sure that he’ll always be taken care of (and give examples of family or friends that will do fun things with him).
How to prepare your older child for the new baby
Start routines BEFORE baby arrives…and continue once baby arrives
Once the baby arrives, it’ll feel chaotic, which may make your older child act up or be anxious. Having predictable routines set in place before the baby comes is vital - it will become that safe place your child can relax into because it’s so familiar. That consistency is time your child can depend on and feel reassured that most things are still the same.
So if you haven’t yet, make a bedtime routine chart, and stick to it until it becomes so predictable, that your child knows the steps without even looking at it!Read books about new siblings
Definitely get a few “new sibling” books, but don’t go overboard and ONLY read these books. Keep the favorites and new stories (unrelated to baby siblings) in the rotation and sprinkle in the new baby books.
Some of my favorites are The New Baby, I am a Big Brother, I am a Big Sister, and You’re the Biggest.Get them involved
Depending on the age of your older child, they can do all sorts of things to help prepare for their new sibling. Asking for their input will help them feel like this is happening with them, instead of to them.
They can help choose a new outfit for the baby or some books or baby toys. Maybe they can be a helper as you put together some infant gear. Bring them to the police station or fire station (if that’s offered in your community) to get the infant car seat properly installed.
Once you narrow the “bigger” things down to two choices (that you’ll be equally happy with!), consider letting your child make the final decision - like what color to paint the nursery or choosing between two names.Visit friends with new(ish) babies
If you have a friend who’s come out of the newborn fog and is happy to have a toddler or young child visit, consider a field trip to see what a real new baby is like!
They’ll get to see how little the baby is, that they aren’t ready for playtime yet, how loudly they cry, and how the house may look different (ie a diaper changing table or pack-n-play in the family room).Roll play
Consider getting a doll for your child to practice holding and being gentle with. I suggest getting one that’s more life-like if your child is showing a lot of curiosity or asking a lot of questions about what babies are like.
Once baby arrives…
Ask visitors to greet older child first
Your older child was the center of the universe until the baby came along and now everyone who visits is excited to see the new baby… and may not realize the impact that focusing on the newborn will have on your older child.
Something a friend did that I thought was genius was saving this note on her phone: “I’m so excited for you to come see the new baby! Can you do me a favor when you first get here and give [her older child] a big hug or high five before you greet the baby?” Then anytime she got a text confirming a visit, she’d send that note to them. She also wrapped several small gifts she’d purchased before the baby arrived and anytime a visitor came with a gift for the baby, she’d ask them to give one of her pre-wrapped gifts to her older child.Give your child “important” jobs
Toddlers and preschoolers love to help (whether their help is actually helpful is an entirely different conversation 😂).
If you’re feeding the baby and can’t move, but your toddler is getting squirrely and wanting your attention, giving them a job (or two) will hopefully give you enough time to finish the feed. Ask her to go and grab a diaper, a board book, etc for the baby, go check on the weather and report back, or build a house from the blocks to show the baby after he’s done eating.Keep reinforcing how they’re the big brother/sister
Talk about how lucky they are to be the one who will be able to show their little sister or brother how to do so many things one day. That their baby sibling will be looking up to them to teach them all sorts of things.
And keep pointing out all the things they get to do that their sibling can’t do yet. So much in their world is changing that reinforcing all the positive changes is key.Spend 1-1 time alone with your child
With all the changes, your child will crave being around you…without the baby.
Be sure to carve out some time (each day if possible) for one parent to spend time playing without any distractions. Put your phone on silent in another room, have your spouse watch the baby and just spend 15 minutes of engaged playtime with your child. Getting that focused attention will help fill his “attention bucket” so he isn’t as likely to look for attention at bedtime, the middle of the night or at 5am!
Things that might happen
There’s a good chance your child will regress in some area after the baby is born - with their sleep, potty training or just start “acting like a baby” - because things are different, they don’t feel like they have any control, and they just want your attention.
If you did sleep training at the end of your pregnancy, the chance of a sleep regression is higher. But even if your child had strong sleep skills for several months (or years), they may either test the waters with more stalling, fussing, waking at the wrong time, etc or sleep may get worse simply because the routines and schedules are off and they’re going to bed at the wrong time. You may be tracking feed and diaper changes for your newborn…make sure to set an alarm to start the nap and bedtime routines for your older child and get some 1-1 time in too. Give them choices where they get the final say (like which PJs to wear or which two books to read at bedtime) so they still feel like they have some control over things.
For potty training regressions, make sure going to the bathroom is the first step AND the last step of the bedtime routine. If you need to start using a night-time pull-up again temporarily, that’s ok.
If your older child starts acting like a baby (for example fake crying like a newborn), she’s doing that because she sees you holding and comforting the new baby when he starts doing that…and she wants that same attention.
Logistics tips
Sleep train your older child if needed
Over the past 13 years, I’ve gotten several emails from frantic moms who are weeks away from delivery asking how quickly sleep training works. This was something they kept putting off and now it’s down to the wire to get resolved so they don’t have two crying kiddos up in the middle of the night!
If possible, get sleep training done as early as possible into the pregnancy so that all of the solid sleep foundations your child learns will “stick” and become a habit before the new baby arrives - and sleep regressions will be more minimal. If you need help getting your child to fall asleep more easily on her own and sleep through the night, let’s chat.Don’t move #1 out of the crib too soon
Oftentimes the sibling arrives when you’re debating whether or not it’s time to transition your older child from a crib.
If your child is under 3 years old, I suggest holding off. Your newborn will be in a bassinet in your room for the first few months (or more), so there’s no rush (other than getting the nursery set up). It’s better to keep your older one in the crib as long as possible…you don’t want him to wake up during one of the night feeds and come wandering out every night to see what all the commotion’s about!
If your child is over 3, then transition to a bed and explain that now that he’s a big boy, he gets to sleep in a big boy bed and the new baby will sleep in the crib. Have him help choose the bedding and pick out the perfect pillow. Make sure to get him used to the new bed several weeks prior to the new baby coming home.Keep routines as consistent as possible
As I mentioned earlier, your child will adapt faster when some of the familiar things stay the same. She needs to know that some things are non-negotiable when it comes to her relationship with you.Extra white noise
I’m a big proponent of white noise in kids’ bedrooms and if you sleep in a smaller place where your toddler may hear baby waking up every few hours, consider putting another one in the hallway (or even a box fan) as an extra noise buffer.Say yes when family or friends offer to help
Having a support system help those first few weeks is so important. They can hold the baby so you can spend quality time with your toddler, take the toddler out of the house on an adventure so you can get in a quick nap, or maybe someone can fold some laundry for you or bring you dinner. Say yes to all of it 💖
Tips to help older sibling adapt to new baby
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This post is for informational purposes only and may not be the best fit for you, your child and/or your personal situation. It shall not be construed as medical advice. The information and education provided here is not intended or implied to supplement or replace professional medical treatment, advice, and/or diagnosis. Always check with your child’s physician or medical professional before trying or implementing any information read here.
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