Baby only sleeps while being held?
Your baby (past the newborn phase) only sleeps while you’re holding him. You’ve tried everything to get him to sleep in the crib, including quizzing your friends who post on IG about their perfect sleeping babies and scouring Reddit for baby sleep tips that don’t work! Why does your baby only sleep on you, wakes up as soon as you lay him down in the crib, and what can you do about it? Here are the three things that need to happen (and are likely not happening) when you’re putting your baby down for naps and bedtime.
Three things that need to happen before your baby will fall asleep on his own in the crib
#1 Baby needs to be aware of his surroundings
As your newborn transitions out of that 4th trimester (months 0-3) and into “babyhood”, are you still letting your 4-month, 5-month or 6-month baby fall asleep on you, perhaps while being fed or rocked to sleep?
Then once he’s asleep, you attempt to ever-so-carefully stand up out of the chair, tiptoe over to the crib while expertly avoiding any squeaks in the floor, and then holding your breath, g-e-n-t-l-y lay your baby down, praying that he doesn’t wake up as soon as his little body touches the mattress?
And then he wakes up 9 out of 10 times and you have to start all over again.
The reason he’s waking up every time is that he can sense that shift in his environment. He was all cozy, in a milk coma, feeling the rhythm of your breathing and heartbeat…and then he’s suddenly on a cool, flat surface! No wonder he woke up!
You think you’re helping by getting him to sleep on you, but if it doesn’t last (meaning he doesn’t stay asleep), then you’re stuck holding him for every nap (and I’m guessing you’re exhausted from also holding him at night because that’s what he’s gotten used to)…
You haven’t made any forward progress in the sleep dept!
Listen, I’m all for soaking up those cozy cuddles, BUT try not to do it in the nap or bedtime routines! If they get to that point of drowsiness or sleep, they will be confused when they wake up in the crib alone.
#2 Baby needs to fall asleep without associations
Do you have a “go-to” thing (aka a sleep prop) that you use every time to get your baby to sleep? It could be feeding, rocking, bouncing, motion (swing, car, stroller), pacifier, or holding your baby…
When you continue to put your baby to sleep with [that thing], your baby starts to depend on it. She instinctively knows that you give her everything she needs, so when you always give her that thing, she learns that she needs it to fall asleep!
Once you give that nudge and stop using sleep props, your baby will learn to fall asleep without them, because again, if you are always providing what she needs but no longer offering those sleep props, then she’ll learn she doesn’t need them to be able to fall asleep!
It’s simple to say just rid of sleep props but when there’s a strong dependence on one or more of them (especially when there’s a feed-sleep association with nursing or the bottle), it isn’t necessarily an easy process and parents often end up trying to remove them and then caving and offering the sleep prop again. Over and over again.
If this is you, I suggest you get some support and a clear plan to establish a sleep routine without sleep props with my baby sleep course or discuss your situation with me to start seeing results within 3 days.
Because as long as your baby depends on “that thing” to fall asleep, you won’t see success putting your baby down drowsy or asleep in the crib!
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#3 Baby needs to be awake right before sleep
The single most frustrating, untrue piece of advice floating around the interwebs is to put baby down “drowsy, but awake”.
Drowsy, but awake is impossible!
Drowsy is actually the first stage of sleep, so by definition, your baby can’t be in the first stage of sleep AND still be awake ;)
This is why you’ve likely had a hard time figuring out the exact timing of what drowsy but awake looks like! It doesn’t exist!
Ideally, you do your 30-minute bedtime routine or 3-5 minute naptime routine, your baby stays awake and alert through the whole process and then you lay your baby down in the crib still awake and alert!
But if you’re still working on #1 and #2 above, then you may never have ever put your baby into the crib awake!
Once your baby can fall asleep independently, without YOU doing all/most/some of the work for him, he’ll be falling asleep after you put him into the crib from fully awake and that’s where the magic happens.
Why?
Because once he has that skill to put himself to sleep from awake, then if he wakes in the middle of the night, too early in the morning, or from a short nap, he’ll be able to more easily put himself BACK to sleep!
Those are the two skills he needs to be an awesome little sleeper - to be able to fall asleep independently initially at the beginning of bedtime or nap time and then back to sleep if needed.
If you need someone to put these pieces together to make the process as quick and easy as possible so you just have to follow the steps, I would love to help you teach your baby to sleep through the night!
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This post is for informational purposes only and may not be the best fit for you, your child and/or your personal situation. It shall not be construed as medical advice. The information and education provided here is not intended or implied to supplement or replace professional medical treatment, advice, and/or diagnosis. Always check with your child’s physician or medical professional before trying or implementing any information read here.